beauty within

My name is Rachel Cauilan and I just want to make a testament of my life growing up, from all the people, places, things, and feelings I’ve known, and to give a little piece of myself, and my love, to you. I hope you enjoy. watch: youtube.com/rachelanncauilan/rachelcansee
read more: wordpress | ask/tell me anything on: formspring, twitter, or ask
~ Tuesday, April 22 ~
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PACN XXXV Remembered

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Everything still seems like a blur to me.

The nature of how things panned out this year was both fortunate and unfortunate. Day by day, week by week, month by month would I find myself with this production as the only thing on my mind. And for the most part, I found myself alone. More often than not I would be met with moments of struggle to moments of reassurance.

Bkcx0tQCQAAyoxq Ever since the beginning, I struggled with finding acceptance of my position. I never realized the magnitude of my position, nor did I ever really feel any “glory” in being a PACN Coordinator. I was moreso dragged into the position and had to learn the ropes as I went along. I struggled to find the confidence in myself to do this, no matter how passionate about my culture and dance I was, having been heavily involved in it for a decade. My unfailing passion and love for culture is what kept me going.

I know at the end of the day, I will say that I know I could have done a lot better. As my own worst critic, the flaws are too blatant to me. Not only did this experience allow me multiple opportunities to grow, it also helped me to recognize my own strengths and weaknesses. And, unexpectedly, it opened a lot of doors for me that I thought I would never have been witness to.

Being a PACN Coordinator is heavy-duty work. You are an event producer. You are a coordinator. You are a director. You are a liaison. You are an event planner. You are a leader. All while you are a student at the same time. This position is no joke.

And, for the most part, a lot of the work you do will be kept invisible. As a leader who keeps the morale of the group going, any stresses or indifferences you show will reverberate within your group. It’s important to be that guiding light for everyone throughout the entire process.

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Sometimes, at the end of the day, you have to realize that what matters most is that you gave the opportunity for people to find themselves. You allowed them the opportunity to see different parts of themselves. You endowed them with your trust, where you could have easily stepped in and taken over. Rather, you let them embrace, pursue, and find their skills. And sometimes, that’s all that really matters.

 

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Tags: Accomplishment Accomplishments Bren Events Center College Comfort Comfort Zone Coordinating Coordinator Culture Directing Director Doors Event Coordinator Event Director Event Producer Family Fil-Am Filipina Filipino Growing Growth Kaba kabaatuci Kababayan Kababayan at UCI Opened Doors Opening Doors Opportunities PACN PACN 2014
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~ Monday, April 21 ~
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"It’s bittersweet… The only thing I’ll miss is seeing everyone together." @kabaatuci #PACN35 #PACNXXXV #PACN #pcn #breneventscenter #culture #production #thankyou #271castmembers

"It’s bittersweet… The only thing I’ll miss is seeing everyone together." @kabaatuci #PACN35 #PACNXXXV #PACN #pcn #breneventscenter #culture #production #thankyou #271castmembers

Tags: 271castmembers thankyou pacn35 culture production pcn breneventscenter pacnxxxv pacn
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Tonight, we changed lives. This room was full of 40 years of @kabaatuci and 35 years of #PACN alumnae, history, culture and memories, and it was so surreal to witness. From the pre-show to half-show acts, to all who outreached in making this production happen, and all who made up what this cast was… I’ve met some amazing people over the year. And I know that my work will never be over. My baby was born tonight! #nomorelabor #nomorecontractions #PACN35 #ithappened #breneventscenter #thankyou (at Bren Events Center)

Tonight, we changed lives. This room was full of 40 years of @kabaatuci and 35 years of #PACN alumnae, history, culture and memories, and it was so surreal to witness. From the pre-show to half-show acts, to all who outreached in making this production happen, and all who made up what this cast was… I’ve met some amazing people over the year. And I know that my work will never be over. My baby was born tonight! #nomorelabor #nomorecontractions #PACN35 #ithappened #breneventscenter #thankyou (at Bren Events Center)

Tags: pacn35 thankyou nomorelabor breneventscenter pacn ithappened nomorecontractions
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Day 3 of Bren Week. Rondalla and sound complete. It was a bit of a hectic day working around the stage, sound techs, rondalla and working pre/half-show acts on stage, but everything is falling into place. Time and patience for now, but we’re making it happen! #confidenceiskey @kabaatuci #PACN35 #PACN #brenweek #sound #rondalla #music #rondallaclubofla #filipino #filipinomusic #culture #breneventscenter #2moredays (at Bren Events Center)

Day 3 of Bren Week. Rondalla and sound complete. It was a bit of a hectic day working around the stage, sound techs, rondalla and working pre/half-show acts on stage, but everything is falling into place. Time and patience for now, but we’re making it happen! #confidenceiskey @kabaatuci #PACN35 #PACN #brenweek #sound #rondalla #music #rondallaclubofla #filipino #filipinomusic #culture #breneventscenter #2moredays (at Bren Events Center)

Tags: sound brenweek filipino rondallaclubofla pacn35 2moredays rondalla music breneventscenter culture confidenceiskey pacn filipinomusic
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Day 2 of Bren Week. Lighting and staging is complete. The show is looking and coming together beautifully from my eyes! @kabaatuci #PACN35 #PACN #brenweek #breneventscenter #stage #3moredays (at Bren Events Center)

Day 2 of Bren Week. Lighting and staging is complete. The show is looking and coming together beautifully from my eyes! @kabaatuci #PACN35 #PACN #brenweek #breneventscenter #stage #3moredays (at Bren Events Center)

Tags: brenweek pacn35 3moredays breneventscenter pacn stage
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~ Tuesday, April 15 ~
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Day 1 of Bren Week. Lighting is (about) done. Boy is it crazy seeing things from up here! #4moredays #PACN35 @kabaatuci #PACN #breneventscenter #brenweek #lighting #lightingtech (at Bren Events Center)

Day 1 of Bren Week. Lighting is (about) done. Boy is it crazy seeing things from up here! #4moredays #PACN35 @kabaatuci #PACN #breneventscenter #brenweek #lighting #lightingtech (at Bren Events Center)

Tags: lightingtech brenweek 4moredays pacn35 lighting breneventscenter pacn
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~ Sunday, April 13 ~
Permalink Tags: her campus hercampus her campus uci hercampusuci uci uc irvine campus cutie campuscutie interview campus cutie interview rachel rachel ann rachel cauilan rachel ann cauilan uci 2015 uc irvine 2015
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~ Saturday, April 12 ~
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Urgent security update

support:

Bad news: A major vulnerability has been disclosed for the technology that powers encryption across the majority of the internet. That includes Tumblr. Our team took immediate action to fix the issue, but you should still take some time to change your password, not only here but on any other sites you visit. 

You should also strongly consider enabling two-factor authentication. It’ll go a long way to ensure that no one besides you can access your account. Thanks, and take care.


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The story of “Lovelace” will break your heart

Linda Lovelace, the late porn star turned feminist anti-porn activist whose fame skyrocketed in 1972 with “Deep Throat,” is someone with a shattering story that deserves to be heard.

Movie still from “Lovelace,” 2013 film starring Amanda Seyfried.

Amanda Seyfried, who provides a subtly explosive and heartbreaking performance of Linda herself, brings a lot of truth and beauty to 2013’s “Lovelace.” I admit I was not quite ready for the intensity of the movie, however Seyfried’s performance brought a lot of charm, innocence and quiet intellect to a film that so subtly hints at harsh and painfully evil moments.

As the victim of psychological manipulation and beatings from an abusive husband—who was once so kind and compassionate to her conservative soul—the story of her being coerced by her husband to engage in numerous acts of violence is painful to watch. And to see that she does not get to bathe in the luxury of her success—a $600 million film revenue, having only gotten $1,250—it’s startling to see how she could go on for months of abuse without the support of her family, best friends, or those who can get any inch close to her under the pervasive eye of her husband.

This movie is very telling about the cruelty of the adult-film industry and the men who run it, as what we audiences often decide to shy-away from comes at us in full expressive and gory glory, right in front of our eyes.

"I had the misfortune of meeting Chuck Traynor," Lovelace reveals in a television interview, years later after having to prove her having been abused. "He started out as a nice person and then did a complete 180 and beat me up from that day forward, physically, mentally, and psychologically. The psychological damage will never go away."

Poignantly, in a scene where Seyfried is performing a photoshoot for the porno, she shyly notes to her courteous photographer, “You made me beautiful.” With damp eyes and a soft voice, her awe is completely felt. And it almost breaks your heart.

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Tags: Lovelace Linda Lovelace Amanda Seyfried Seyfried Porn Porn Star Deep Throat Lovelace Review Movie Review Chuck Traynor Women Feminism Feminist Anti-Porn Female Women's Rights Activism Activist
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~ Sunday, April 6 ~
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When You Put Yourself Out There, What is to Come of Yourself: Art, Dance, Music, Culture

It is so strange to go from a moment of complete joy to only be plunged back into a multitude of responsibilities that have been riding down your back.

It’s funny how you can return to a place of your youth, where you are reminded of the feelings and associations you made with the things around you.

You watch your slow-moving town quietly change. You hold mementos from your past you wish to bury. You revisit the places you used to love, only to grab hold of something you wish you had.

And, you see the people who awaken an old part of yourself—a familiar side—of which you feel you haven’t been able to fully embrace because the people you’ve known for so long and know best have not been around (you’ve been away from home).

These are the people you feel, in a way, most mentally, emotionally and physically alive around.

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And while your heart oft drifts back to tend to your responsibilities, your dreams oft push you away even more because you desire to make something of yourself: the life you so envision for yourself.

And while you are pursuing yourself, you are also pursuing the gratitude and respect of others to be proud of the work you have put worth. Gratification is one of the artist’s worst desires.

Conversations with old ones remind you of your deepest, truest and most genuine intentions. They ground you back to reality, only to remind you that you have perhaps lost a little focus along the way, allowing you to re-focus.

And while, at the end of the day, you feel yourself very much alone and overwhelmed by the responsibilities and burdens others have held you accountable for, you find yourself signing off contracts and papers one hour, meeting up with staff the next, negotiating an online-ticketing system the next hour, calling for graphics to be made the hour after, while attending, choreographing and hunting down performers for a night-time showcase three days in a row, only to have those online-tickets cancelled in the end.

And then you set up weekend schedules, book locations for practices and rehearsals and booths to publicize, only to have them call you two nights before that your reservation is cancelled. And then you make calls all over Irvine for five-hours after class the next only to be denied by ten different people, and resort to forcing everyone to shuttle your cast to a nearby park with prayers of not getting kicked out.

And then you sit beside a rondalla all-day long, reminding you of the reasons you fell in love with your culture in the first place. You hope that they will save your production because—to be honest—you’ve missed your own creative and directorial influence. You want your production to live up to the art in culture that you have fallen in love with and known for ten years of your life.

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But, at the end of the day, you ask yourself what makes for all of this. What makes of organizing this whole thing, to direct people to direct people. You collect your thoughts. You revisit your desires. You remember what is at the root of your heart.

And you find that your heart remains in the mysteriously breath-taking, musically-empowering, visually-stimulizing beauty that is music, dance and a cultural connection to you.

Art, Culture, Music, Dance: This is all the path towards knowing yourself better—finding what moves the ground beneath you and the air inside of you. It is about uplift, inspiration, identity, and a safety in knowing yourself and how you communicate yourself to others.

And when this is all done and over, you will feel both sad and relieved, disappointed by the undone and proud of the accomplished. You will feel yourself a better and grown person out of this, because you can only know yourself better—with what it is you truly are meant for—when you put yourself out of your comfort zone.

In two weeks time. What is to come of all of this?

Through the struggles and mistakes can you forgive yourself, for at least you can say you did it. You have new recognition of who you are, where you are and what is to come from what you have learned when you know your strengths and your weaknesses.

Is that not a beautiful place to be, in the light of struggle?

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Long nights and stressful days.

#PACN35 #Coordinator #Director #Producer #Student #Dreamer #CulturalDancer #MusicalFiend #BoardMember #Writer #Blogger #LoverForPeople #TheCalmBeneathTheStorm

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Photo Credit: saruworld @ Nihonmachi Street Fair, San Francisco, CA (8/5/2012)

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Tags: Best Friend Best Friends Brothers Cauilan College Coordinator Cultural Dance Culture Culture Night Director Dream Dreamer Dreams Family Fil-Am Filipin@ Filipina Filipino Filipino American Finding Yourself Friends Home Hometown Kaba at UCI kabaatuci Kababayan Kababayan at UCI Knowing Yourself Nostalgia Obligation
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"Rhiannon", Fleetwood Mac (Live in 1976)

Because when dreams unwind, you find that love’s a state of mind…
There’s a reason why I love Stevie and Fleetwood. And perhaps why I find relation to the ‘Rhiannon.’

All your life, you’ve never seen a woman, taken by wind.
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win?

Tags: Fleetwood Mac Rhiannon Stevie Nicks Fleetwood Taken by the wind Wind Bird Bird in flight Rumours Dreams 70s Skylark Heaven Stevie Nicks
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You can come out of this a complete person again.

Lovelace (2013)

Heart-breaking.
Tags: Lovelace Amanda Seyfried heartbreaking heart-breaking leftacoldpitinmystomach toomuch ugh
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~ Friday, April 4 ~
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03171993:

tyleroakley:

pippipcheeriopeasants:

gingerbrownies:

A Civil War Hits London, This Shocking One Second a Day Video Shows How it Destroys a Little Girl’s Life

Wow.

Now let’s do something about it.

Too good


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~ Wednesday, April 2 ~
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"Divergent" and Shailene Woodley succeeds in being a vulnerable, action-packed thriller

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When you live in a world free to choose who you want to be, the act of taking a test that determines who you are–or supposed to be–can be frightening. Whether you are chosen to embrace your dauntlessness, selflessness, intelligence, compassion or utter failure as a “faction-less,” you lack the freedom to find your own path in this world. Unless your results are inconclusive and harboring…

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Tags: Abnegation Actress Actresses Candor Dauntless Divergent Erudite Faction Factions Franco Hollywood Kate Winslet Self-sacrifice Shailene Shailene Woodley Theo James Franco Woman Women Women in Hollywood Women in Media Woodley
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