beauty within

My name is Rachel Cauilan and I just want to make a testament of my life growing up, from all the people, places, things, and feelings I’ve known, and to give a little piece of myself, and my love, to you. I hope you enjoy. watch:
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~ Tuesday, April 15 ~
Day 1 of Bren Week. Lighting is (about) done. Boy is it crazy seeing things from up here! #4moredays #PACN35 @kabaatuci #PACN #breneventscenter #brenweek #lighting #lightingtech (at Bren Events Center)

Day 1 of Bren Week. Lighting is (about) done. Boy is it crazy seeing things from up here! #4moredays #PACN35 @kabaatuci #PACN #breneventscenter #brenweek #lighting #lightingtech (at Bren Events Center)

Tags: lightingtech brenweek 4moredays pacn35 lighting breneventscenter pacn
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~ Sunday, April 13 ~
Permalink Tags: her campus hercampus her campus uci hercampusuci uci uc irvine campus cutie campuscutie interview campus cutie interview rachel rachel ann rachel cauilan rachel ann cauilan uci 2015 uc irvine 2015
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~ Saturday, April 12 ~

Urgent security update


Bad news: A major vulnerability has been disclosed for the technology that powers encryption across the majority of the internet. That includes Tumblr. Our team took immediate action to fix the issue, but you should still take some time to change your password, not only here but on any other sites you visit. 

You should also strongly consider enabling two-factor authentication. It’ll go a long way to ensure that no one besides you can access your account. Thanks, and take care.

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The story of “Lovelace” will break your heart

Linda Lovelace, the late porn star turned feminist anti-porn activist whose fame skyrocketed in 1972 with “Deep Throat,” is someone with a shattering story that deserves to be heard.

Movie still from “Lovelace,” 2013 film starring Amanda Seyfried.

Amanda Seyfried, who provides a subtly explosive and heartbreaking performance of Linda herself, brings a lot of truth and beauty to 2013’s “Lovelace.” I admit I was not quite ready for the intensity of the movie, however Seyfried’s performance brought a lot of charm, innocence and quiet intellect to a film that so subtly hints at harsh and painfully evil moments.

As the victim of psychological manipulation and beatings from an abusive husband—who was once so kind and compassionate to her conservative soul—the story of her being coerced by her husband to engage in numerous acts of violence is painful to watch. And to see that she does not get to bathe in the luxury of her success—a $600 million film revenue, having only gotten $1,250—it’s startling to see how she could go on for months of abuse without the support of her family, best friends, or those who can get any inch close to her under the pervasive eye of her husband.

This movie is very telling about the cruelty of the adult-film industry and the men who run it, as what we audiences often decide to shy-away from comes at us in full expressive and gory glory, right in front of our eyes.

"I had the misfortune of meeting Chuck Traynor," Lovelace reveals in a television interview, years later after having to prove her having been abused. "He started out as a nice person and then did a complete 180 and beat me up from that day forward, physically, mentally, and psychologically. The psychological damage will never go away."

Poignantly, in a scene where Seyfried is performing a photoshoot for the porno, she shyly notes to her courteous photographer, “You made me beautiful.” With damp eyes and a soft voice, her awe is completely felt. And it almost breaks your heart.

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Tags: Lovelace Linda Lovelace Amanda Seyfried Seyfried Porn Porn Star Deep Throat Lovelace Review Movie Review Chuck Traynor Women Feminism Feminist Anti-Porn Female Women's Rights Activism Activist
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~ Sunday, April 6 ~

When You Put Yourself Out There, What is to Come of Yourself: Art, Dance, Music, Culture

It is so strange to go from a moment of complete joy to only be plunged back into a multitude of responsibilities that have been riding down your back.

It’s funny how you can return to a place of your youth, where you are reminded of the feelings and associations you made with the things around you.

You watch your slow-moving town quietly change. You hold mementos from your past you wish to bury. You revisit the places you used to love, only to grab hold of something you wish you had.

And, you see the people who awaken an old part of yourself—a familiar side—of which you feel you haven’t been able to fully embrace because the people you’ve known for so long and know best have not been around (you’ve been away from home).

These are the people you feel, in a way, most mentally, emotionally and physically alive around.


And while your heart oft drifts back to tend to your responsibilities, your dreams oft push you away even more because you desire to make something of yourself: the life you so envision for yourself.

And while you are pursuing yourself, you are also pursuing the gratitude and respect of others to be proud of the work you have put worth. Gratification is one of the artist’s worst desires.

Conversations with old ones remind you of your deepest, truest and most genuine intentions. They ground you back to reality, only to remind you that you have perhaps lost a little focus along the way, allowing you to re-focus.

And while, at the end of the day, you feel yourself very much alone and overwhelmed by the responsibilities and burdens others have held you accountable for, you find yourself signing off contracts and papers one hour, meeting up with staff the next, negotiating an online-ticketing system the next hour, calling for graphics to be made the hour after, while attending, choreographing and hunting down performers for a night-time showcase three days in a row, only to have those online-tickets cancelled in the end.

And then you set up weekend schedules, book locations for practices and rehearsals and booths to publicize, only to have them call you two nights before that your reservation is cancelled. And then you make calls all over Irvine for five-hours after class the next only to be denied by ten different people, and resort to forcing everyone to shuttle your cast to a nearby park with prayers of not getting kicked out.

And then you sit beside a rondalla all-day long, reminding you of the reasons you fell in love with your culture in the first place. You hope that they will save your production because—to be honest—you’ve missed your own creative and directorial influence. You want your production to live up to the art in culture that you have fallen in love with and known for ten years of your life.


But, at the end of the day, you ask yourself what makes for all of this. What makes of organizing this whole thing, to direct people to direct people. You collect your thoughts. You revisit your desires. You remember what is at the root of your heart.

And you find that your heart remains in the mysteriously breath-taking, musically-empowering, visually-stimulizing beauty that is music, dance and a cultural connection to you.

Art, Culture, Music, Dance: This is all the path towards knowing yourself better—finding what moves the ground beneath you and the air inside of you. It is about uplift, inspiration, identity, and a safety in knowing yourself and how you communicate yourself to others.

And when this is all done and over, you will feel both sad and relieved, disappointed by the undone and proud of the accomplished. You will feel yourself a better and grown person out of this, because you can only know yourself better—with what it is you truly are meant for—when you put yourself out of your comfort zone.

In two weeks time. What is to come of all of this?

Through the struggles and mistakes can you forgive yourself, for at least you can say you did it. You have new recognition of who you are, where you are and what is to come from what you have learned when you know your strengths and your weaknesses.

Is that not a beautiful place to be, in the light of struggle?


Long nights and stressful days.

#PACN35 #Coordinator #Director #Producer #Student #Dreamer #CulturalDancer #MusicalFiend #BoardMember #Writer #Blogger #LoverForPeople #TheCalmBeneathTheStorm

Processed with VSCOcam with m5 preset

Photo Credit: saruworld @ Nihonmachi Street Fair, San Francisco, CA (8/5/2012)

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Tags: Best Friend Best Friends Brothers Cauilan College Coordinator Cultural Dance Culture Culture Night Director Dream Dreamer Dreams Family Fil-Am Filipin@ Filipina Filipino Filipino American Finding Yourself Friends Home Hometown Kaba at UCI kabaatuci Kababayan Kababayan at UCI Knowing Yourself Nostalgia Obligation
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"Rhiannon", Fleetwood Mac (Live in 1976)

Because when dreams unwind, you find that love’s a state of mind…
There’s a reason why I love Stevie and Fleetwood. And perhaps why I find relation to the ‘Rhiannon.’

All your life, you’ve never seen a woman, taken by wind.
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win?

Tags: Fleetwood Mac Rhiannon Stevie Nicks Fleetwood Taken by the wind Wind Bird Bird in flight Rumours Dreams 70s Skylark Heaven Stevie Nicks
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You can come out of this a complete person again.

Lovelace (2013)

Tags: Lovelace Amanda Seyfried heartbreaking heart-breaking leftacoldpitinmystomach toomuch ugh
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~ Friday, April 4 ~





A Civil War Hits London, This Shocking One Second a Day Video Shows How it Destroys a Little Girl’s Life


Now let’s do something about it.

Too good

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~ Wednesday, April 2 ~

"Divergent" and Shailene Woodley succeeds in being a vulnerable, action-packed thriller


When you live in a world free to choose who you want to be, the act of taking a test that determines who you are–or supposed to be–can be frightening. Whether you are chosen to embrace your dauntlessness, selflessness, intelligence, compassion or utter failure as a “faction-less,” you lack the freedom to find your own path in this world. Unless your results are inconclusive and harboring…

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Tags: Abnegation Actress Actresses Candor Dauntless Divergent Erudite Faction Factions Franco Hollywood Kate Winslet Self-sacrifice Shailene Shailene Woodley Theo James Franco Woman Women Women in Hollywood Women in Media Woodley
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~ Tuesday, April 1 ~
But your best friend is still your best friend. Even from half a world away. Distance can’t sever that connection. Best friends are the kind of people who can survive anything. And when best friends see each other again, after being separated by half a world and more miles than you think you can bear, you pick up right where you left off.After all, that’s what best friends do.
Tags: best friend friend bestfriend best friends distance worlds apart separated
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Dia Frampton has fun getting “Money Back” in H&R Block video

Screen Shot 2014-04-01 at 2.37.57 AM

Dia Frampton – “Money Back” [Promotional Video for H&R Block]

Well, this is a little cute shindig Dia did.

As a promotional video for H&R Block entitled Billion Back Records, Dia plays around and dances with other office-mates as she sings about getting money back from friends. It’s a folky-pop turned Disney-ballad, with cheesy…

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Tags: Billion Back Records BillionBackRecords Commercial Dia Frampton Frampton H&R Block hrblock KMGMT Meg & Dia Mike Kaminsky Money Back Promo Video Promotional Video
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~ Wednesday, March 26 ~

"The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back toward you, no matter how far they wander."

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (Cover by Ayana Giann Carlos & Rachel Ann Cauilan)

It’s such a strange and special feeling to realize that no matter how far you may drift off—doing the things you love and being your own person—there are those certain people who always remain.

Whether it be a mother or brother, a friend or classmate, there’s something quite different when it’s someone you’ve lived a great deal of your life right next to, traveling on different paths but always meeting again; when it’s someone who has ideals and dreams and passions as great as yours that no one else can really quite understand.

When you grow up feeling rather different and apart, always seeking more than finding comfort in the present, it can be difficult to appreciate what’s right in front of you. But, as I have come to realize over the years with age, there’s no real joy than in experiencing moments in the present—making those dreams you envision for yourself a part of your reality.

As any artist can relate, there’s a particular joy in expressing yourself in a medium that allows you feel most like you—moments that take you higher than reality.

"I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place”

Wherever you find yourself in life, you are the first and only one who can decide to make a move to change it or stay with it. Taking a step back to embrace the youth and innocence and recklessness you can have with your age is a gift in itself.

Allow yourself to go crazy. And remember that as people come and go all the time, so do the moments. Nothing can stay relevant forever, but what you make of it can.

DSC_1183DSC_1206Screen Shot 2014-03-26 at 7.47.40 PM

Tags: Crazy Gnarls Barkley Cee-Lo Green Cee Lo Green ayanagiann rachelannc Ayana Giann Ayana Giann Carlos Rachel Ann Rachel Ann Cauilan Rachel Cauilan Guitar Acoustic Acoustic Guitar Guitar Cover Acoustic Cover Blues R&B Cover YouTube Fil-Am Filipina Filipino-American Women in Rock Women Musicians Woman Musician
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~ Friday, March 21 ~

Into the First Day of the Rest of my Life

Now that I have turned twenty-one, the things that once seemed mysterious to me have lost their luster. It’s almost like this veil has been lifted from my eyes and I have happily plunged into a new well of awakening.

But, it makes me a little uneasy to think about. There seems to be this looming air of darkness around me. Where there once was pure, innocent gaiety now lies harsh reality. And the magic is gone.

I guess the one most obvious event is that I’ve finally tasted alcohol, and liked it in one way or another. Though, as my bed of comfort has slipped away, I find myself casually drinking wine or beer with friends. Moderation is key. And it doesn’t bother me. But what does is the fact that I had never really envisioned myself like this, and it puts me at a little unease.

My friend has recently been telling me to leave my bed of comfort if I so often proclaim I am a growth-seeker and seek to find and experience new things. I often reply back to him that I need to find a place of safety, comfort and pure willingness within myself before I engage in anything I don’t want to do.

The days leading up to my twenty-first were a little shattering. I could feel myself leaving behind me twenty-one years of innocence and good-conscience. The very values and morals I had built myself up to be to this day. To become the person I am and always have been. To become the person I always wanted to be.

I knew that the moment I turned twenty-one, I would be taking my first step into being an entirely self-sufficient, independent and own person. I had built up this idea in my head that all the chains of a home or being taken care of as a child would leave me, as the rest of my life would be in my hands to hold.

And the first physical acceptance of that would be to taking my first taste of alcohol. Of course my heart beat and palms sweat, but I began to feel a little okay about it. I was growing into this person that felt wholly and entirely “me.”

I was feeling into myself.

As is any point of growing up and becoming an adult scary, so I would begin to think of the real dreams and events and things and people that matter in my life. What I see myself doing after college. Where I find myself. Who are the people I am surrounding myself with. And if I am wholeheartedly devoting myself to myself to be who I have and always wanted to be. While still learning all the same.

Alcohol, to me, was that first plunge and step into accepting my independence. As someone who has been deathly sentimental her entire life, I have also been a self-sufficient introvert who was too into herself and oft detached herself from personal relationships too often, even if I felt it in myself that I was being truly and honestly myself with the people I surrounded myself by.

It’s about becoming open to what you want. Becoming open to what you most fear and are afraid will hurt you. Becoming open to the ideas that you so rejected in yourself, to find some part of yourself a part of that community as well—only to help you realize more of who you are.

That is what becoming twenty-one was for me.

Tags: first day first twenty one twenty-one 21 birthday college growing up adolescence faith purity innocence childhood sentimental growing changing school alcohol drinking booze legal life reflection personal rachelannc rachel rachel ann rachel ann cauilan rachel cauilan
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~ Wednesday, March 19 ~

Oh goodness. It is such a trip to see me grow throughout my adolescence on YouTube.


Let me teach you how to play “One Sail” by Meg & Dia. Because they were such an integral part of my growing up and ventures into guitar-playing and music.


Tags: Rachel Rachel Ann Cauilan rachelannc guitar tutorial acoustic acoustic guitar guitar tutorial megdia meganddia meg & dia meg frampton dia frampton one sail frampton here here and here hhh college high school awkward awkward rachel awkwardrachel youtube growing up guitar cover girl guitarist girl guitarists women musicians woman musician girl musician
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